Finding the Words

 

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Photo taken in Ukraine in 2013

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion.
– Rachel Platten, Fight Song

I have been searching for the right word, or words, to share for over two years now.  But the words have been bottled inside of me, spinning frantically around and crashing into each other.  Thumping and bumping.  Clanging and clattering. Chasing and challenging.  They refused to come out, to be seen.

And all those things I didn’t say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

But now the words are finally starting to pour out.  And it’s too late to plug up the hole.  They must break free.  They must be heard.

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong

I’m not alright, but this is my fight song.  I grew up in a fundamentalist, narcissistic, and spiritually-, emotionally-, and physically-abusive home and church environment.  I’m twenty one years old, and I am fighting each day to re-learn who I am outside of the box I was raised in and discover healing and growth.

I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

I’m writing because I need to share for my own sake.  I’m writing because I hope to reach out and help others who are on a similar journey.  I’m writing because every person’s story is valuable, and I am a person.  My story needs to be heard.  All of it.  The joyful parts.  The sad parts.  The angry parts.  The embarrassing parts.  The hopeful parts.  Every part is piece of who I am and I hope to share some of the pieces with you.  There’s a scariness to sharing my story, to opening up about what I remember, to what I’ve experienced.  But there’s also a sense of exhilaration and freedom!  Will you come join me on my journey?

Losing friends and I’m chasing sleep
Everybody’s worried about me
In too deep
Say I’m in too deep
And it’s been two years I miss my home
But there’s a fire burning in my bones
Still believe
Yeah, I still believe